March 29, 1998

It's hard for me to share this post.  It's taken me a few days to decide whether to write it or not.  But I just couldn't let the week go by without mention.  It was 13 years ago this past Tuesday that my brother took his last breath.  and I still miss him terribly.  I so wish that he knew what was going on in my life now.  that he knew my husband.  that he knew my friends and extended family.  and just as important, I wish all of you knew him. 

I promised my brother the last time that we talked that I wouldn't forget him and that I wouldn't let others forget him either.  It's funny what you say when you don't know what the rest of your life will be like without that person.  I would say something different to him now.  But I know that he's okay with things just the way they were left said.  I am incredibly blessed that we got to say good-bye and tell each other just how much we meant to each other and how much we loved each other.  My brother and I were best friends.... from the time of building legos and playing outside, we were friends.  I think if I knew then what I know now, I would never have been able to say good-bye.  because it still hurts just as much now as then.  I still miss him and think of him so often.

When my brother died, I often heard the phrase of where one flower dies a seed is planted.  or something to that effect.  At the time, I think everyone meant all the lives he touched... all the people who accepted Christ because of my brother's testimony.  But to me, it has come to mean how he planted a seed in my life.  I so wish he knew who I've become.  His death had such a great impact of who I've become...  more than any other event besides giving my life to Christ.  Of course there are a lot of consistent, little things throughout life such as my parents raising me that have slowly helped grow my character.  But there is no doubt that I will always be a different person thanks to my brother's last year of life and death.  My love and willingness to love others is far greater thanks to my brother.  Sadly, he didn't get to see how I've changed while he was living. 

I would love to know who he would have become.  He made plans and was going to be a nurse.  I would have liked to see him graduate and accomplish his dreams.  He would have been a very good nurse. ...seeing as he was actually a very good patient. (He would tell the nurses thank you even after they just poked him with a needle.)  My brother was tall and handsome.  He loved Coke and chips & salsa.  I wonder how his tastes would have changed.  In the year that all of his classmates are celebrating their 30th birthday, he would have turned 30 this summer.

Just last weekend, as we were celebrating birthdays, my dad shared, with his eyes tearing, how this was not only a weekend of celebration but also of remembering.  There's a hole that you can't pretend isn't there.  My dad followed his comment by also saying how much he's thankful for everyone gathered around the table.  We were always raised that family was important.  No matter who you meet in your life, you'll always have your family.

p.s. my brother would have loved my wedding reception.  He was a Mr. Bojangles through and through.

my daffodils during this week's Spring snow.